Got the disease to please? How to heal it once and for all.

I’m a bitch.

At least that’s what I was told recently.

It was an uncomfortable encounter, and frankly one that surprised me. I didn’t know this man. We had an encounter in a parking lot that led to a disagreement. I voiced my opinion and stood my ground. He didn’t like it.


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Strong women make weak men mad. #GetYourGrooveBack
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At times, strong women also make other women, who perhaps haven’t found their courage yet, uncomfortable. (If you’re in this camp don’t worry. Your courage will wait for you for as long as you need it to). ☺

When people are mad or uncomfortable, they do something called leveling. In leveling the person you’re interacting with needs to diminish you in order to feel okay about them. A typical way to accomplish this is through name-calling.

Thus, strong woman = uncomfortable person looking to level = bitch.

The word bitch is triggering in and of itself, isn’t it? I’ve spoken with some women who wear the label like a badge of honor. To them it means they’re strong and they take no shit. Other women find the word very offensive. It makes them feel belittled. (If you’re in the former camp, please hang in there with me. I promise I have a point, and I share it to empower you).

I’d honestly never given the word bitch that much thought until someone called me one right to my face. It stunned me for a moment. Then it made me mad. (I’m talking HOT). Once I’d had a chance to think about it, I understood it to be a compliment.

The opposite of being a bitch, you see, is being a pleaser.

In my work as a life coach focused on women’s empowerment, I’ve had the opportunity to work with thousands of incredible women. What I know as a result of connecting with so many of our talented sisters is that the drive to please is universal. Unfortunately, few things will drain your life force more than living as a pleaser.

There is no shame in wanting to please others. We all want to be liked and accepted. (I’m right there with you!) The problem occurs when your desire to be accepted causes you to sell out. Pleasers are constantly negotiating their power away in exchange for approval.

When you know, like, and trust yourself, you will stand up for yourself. You will open your mouth and speak up on your own behalf. You will no longer be willing to sacrifice your spirit for acceptance.

I’ve come to believe that you don’t have to be a bitch to stop being a pleaser. You just have to stop being afraid of being a bitch.

In this week’s video coaching session, I’m going to show you how to heal your disease to please. (Don’t worry; you won’t turn into a bitch just by listening to it. Press PLAY already! It only takes a few minutes).

Step One: Know your worth.

You are flawed. You’ve made mistakes. There are things in your past that make you hang your head in shame. Me too. Welcome to being human. ☺

YOU STILL DESERVE TO BE LOVED.

I don’t care what you’ve done or where you came from. YOU ARE GOOD.

I’ve seen a universal suffering in the clients I’ve worked with. At some point in almost everyone’s life (usually early on) they come to believe they’re bad, and they learn to hide parts of themselves to be accepted.

If you’re like most people, you’re terrified that if people see the real you – they will reject you. You’re afraid that you’re damaged goods. You’re afraid that if you don’t work really hard to earn love, you won’t get it.


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Love you have to earn is not real love. #GetYourGrooveBack
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You deserve real love.

Knowing your own worth doesn’t happen overnight. You have to practice. You must become aware of your own behavior, and notice when you sell yourself out. That’s your red flag. It shows you that something has made you doubt your own value. Notice it. Question it. Remind yourself of your inherent worth.

Step Two: Like yourself


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The more you like yourself, the less you need others to like you. #GetYourGrooveBack
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You’re pretty awesome! You have mad skills and superhero strengths. You’ve been given interests to pursue and gifts to share. There is purpose in you. Part of your job in this life is to know and develop yourself, and to offer your gifts to others.

The path to liking yourself is simple, and you already know how to do it. You just need to be your own friend.

I know it sounds funny, but it works. Make time to be with you. Ask questions. Have fun. Notice what matters to you. Encourage you. Show support.

Start making friends today. You’re going to find there’s a whole lot to like!

Step Three: Trust yourself

When you stop living like a pleaser, the users and takers in your life will disappear.

I know this sounds harsh. It is harsh. It’s also truth.

If you’re a pleaser, it’s highly probable that there are people in your life right now who are hanging around because you’re a pleaser. When you start saying no and standing up for yourself, these folks will not be pleased.

Initially they’ll test you, and they may try to manipulate or bully you into going back to your old ways. When you don’t, (and please don’t) they’ll move on. Their existence requires pleasers. When you stop acquiescing, they’ll go find someone less empowered to prey upon.

That means that the thing you most feared – being rejected – is going to happen.

You must trust yourself to live through it.

You must decide you will grow through it. Make it mean something. Let every low quality person in your life fall away to make room for higher quality people to take their place.

And higher quality people will come. They will be attracted to your authenticity and your willingness to stand up for yourself. They will recognize these qualities, because they will have them too.

You can handle whatever life serves up.

Trust yourself to be alone. Trust yourself to live through the discomfort of saying no. Trust yourself to handle the pain of losing users and takers. Trust yourself enough to be yourself.

The world needs you at 100%. We need you strong, confident and authentic. We need you willing to define your ground and then stand on it when you need to. In other words, we need you to be a little bit more of a bitch. (And I mean that in the best possible way!) ☺

That’s it for the week. Remember that I never want you to blindly take my word for anything. Only you know what’s right for you. I just happen to have a few coaching tools that can help you get closer to that wisdom. Give this lesson’s advice a test drive in your life, and let me know how it goes. There are three ways for us to interact.

  • Comment in the comments section below.
  • Chat with me on on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.
  • Email me if you have something more private you’d like to ask. My personal email is kim@kimberlyfulcher.com. I’m the only one reading your messages, and it’s always me answering them.

My mission is your empowerment. That’s why I’m here. If you haven’t already joined my community, please do it by entering your email (www.kimberlyfulcher.com). Until we meet again, know that life is happening for you.

And you got this!

XO

Kim

12 Comments

  • Christina says:

    I have a man in my house like the one in your story. I can really relate.

    • Kimberly Kimberly says:

      I’m so sorry to hear that Christina. Please take amazing care of yourself, and make sure you’ve got a support system (girlfriends, life coach, therapist, pastor). You deserve to be loved and respected. Sending you a big hug my sister. xo

  • Im 46 years and spent the last thirteen with a man that was extry abusive mentally and phsycially.it was sad because im a pleaser abd it allways seemed like every situation was my fault he would lecture me for hours be littleing me in rooms full of people he would get loud so any one around could here he wuld treat mevas if i was ugly and all that went bad was my fault.
    He would get frustrated if i opened my mouth and it got so bad that i started to studder, i would never look up and i spent a lot of time crying.
    Well this last year i left him i cought him cheating with my best friend. I was devastated he beat me up so bad and if i did not leave would of killed me.
    I have been gone and done with him for ten monthsvand im done. But i am a pleaser and allways have been i am a good honest hard working woman that does not know how to have boundries. So thNk you for shareing with me you teachings i appreciate it very much and would like to see mor….

    • Kimberly Kimberly says:

      YOU GO GIRL! Do you have any idea what you’ve already accomplished? You left your abuser. Kudos my sister. I’m so glad you’re here. Please enter your email if you haven’t already. I’ll send this blog to you for free every Wednesday. Please surround yourself with positive, supportive, loving people. Create a vision for your life. You are good. You deserve love. You’ve already done the hardest thing. You can do anything you set your mind to now. You got this, Laura! xo

    • KarenM says:

      Congratulations Laura. I too left a verbally, emotionally, physically and intensely mentally abusive relationship. Now I can see that predatory people prey on pleaser and acceptance addicts. I’m a work in progress also. Wishing you well. Peace, Love & Blessings to you sister!

  • KarenM says:

    I have spent years crying to the wrong people about feeling drained, unloved, unvalued and losing myself. Of course I was told to stay positive, classy and act like a lady no matter what. Then I stood my ground on one point. Thank God for children! And discovered that as I valued myself and my values more, the better I felt. I look back on so very desperately needing validation from users and takers and I’m thankful for the wake up call. I’m finding myself again. Thank you Kimberly!!!!!

    • Kimberly Kimberly says:

      Hey Karen,

      You GO girl! It takes a lot of courage to speak up for yourself. (And doesn’t it feel so good once you’ve made it to the other side?) I’m so glad you’re here, and sharing your story. You’re going to keep getting stronger and stronger my sister. You got this!

      XO
      KIM

  • Dianne says:

    I really enjoyed reading your post nd everyone else’s God bless!!!

    • Kimberly Kimberly says:

      Hi Dianne! It’s great to meet you. I’m so glad you did, and I’m super glad you’re here. You got this my sister! :)

      XO
      KIM

  • Lexi says:

    Kimberly, this really spoke to me. I have been a pleaser my entire life and have constantly sacrificed my happiness. I settled into my title as “the nice girl” and I really liked being known as nice, but I want to have more outstanding qualities than just being nice, I want to be strong, I want to stand up for myself and be more comfortable with saying “no”. It’s something that I have half-heartedly worked on in the past, but this article has given me an amazing kick in the butt. Thank you!

    • Kimberly says:

      Lexi! I’m so thrilled that this lesson spoke to you. You CAN learn to stand up for yourself. If you haven’t already, enter your email right here at this website. You’ll get your planner and your VIP FB Invite via email. I”d love to get to know you and help you get stronger and stronger. Believe me – you’ll be IRON WOMAN once you finish this program. I’ glad you’re here. You’ve got this, Girl! Kim

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