Who are you as a woman?
How many people have you allowed to answer that question for you?
As a kid you look to your parents for the answer. Unfortunately, a lot of parents are more interested in molding a well-behaved little girl than an authentic young woman. So you learn how to pretend.
From there, your boyfriends (or girlfriends) start shaping you. You take on their interests. You hang out with their friends. And you conform.
If you do this long enough you can lose touch with anything real inside of you. Sound familiar? No beating yourself up here. Everyone does this. (Me too.) But it’s time for you to stop.
There’s another way to approach your life, one that connects you with authenticity. I’ll teach you how it works in this week’s episode of GrooveTV. Let’s figure out who you are without all that pretending and conforming, shall we? Press PLAY already. Your authentic self is ready to come out of hiding. (And she’s gonna rock your world with her awesomeness!)
Step 1 – Stop pretending.
How much pretending do you do? How often to you close your mouth, stuff your feelings, and just go along to get along? If you’re like most women, you do it a lot. In fact, it’s a good bet you’ve been trained to pretend.
You were taught to be a good girl, and good girls are master pretenders. They don’t rock the boat, speak their mind, or make people uncomfortable. They’re agreeable. They put everyone else first. They’ve even been tricked into believing that neglecting and denying their own interests is noble. (It’s not.)
If you want to find your lost self, you have to stop being a good girl.
Don’t panic. I’m not going to ask you to blow up your life, or start telling people off. (Though I know you imagine that occasionally, don’t you?) ☺
I AM going to ask you to get honest with yourself. Where are you pretending?
- What are you pretending to like, when you really don’t like it at all?
- Who are you pretending to like, when you really don’t like them?
- What are you pretending you want to do, when you really dread doing it?
- What are you pretending not to know, even though the truth is staring you right in the face?
- Where in your life are you pretending everything is okay when it’s not?
Give it to yourself straight. You can handle the truth. (Even if it stinks.) If you’ve been pretending for a long time, your list is going to be long. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with you. (No guilt, shame, or beating up on yourself.)
This week, you don’t need to do anything else except notice where your inner pretender has taken over your life. Eventually, it will be time for you to stop pretending entirely. (You’ll know when that time arrives.) For now, just notice when you’re working with truth. And when you’re not.
The next step is way easier, and so much more fun. (Thank goodness, right?)
Step 2 – Start exploring. Discover your interests.
What’s your thing?
What kinds of activities do you like doing? Do you have a hobby? What kind of topics are you interested in? I’ve been working as a life coach for more than twelve years, and I’ve been blessed to work with thousands of women. I’ve only worked with a handful who could answer these questions pre-coaching.
It’s common for us girls to take on the interests of our partners, kids, and co-workers. (There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. You can keep sharing interests with your family and friends.) We just want to make some room for your own interests too. Which is not an easy thing to do.
You have to make time to rediscover your interests, and cultivate them. Making time to do something for sheer pleasure (when you have so many responsibilities) can feel selfish and indulgent.
Nurturing your interests is NOT selfish or indulgent. It is sacred and necessary. You were born for a reason. Your life has a purpose on it. You were given interests to help you make good on that purpose.
You like the things you like for a reason. When you start to explore and engage with things that authentically interest you, you become more authentic.
The path to finding yourself has stepping-stones on it marked with your interests. Start walking with intention. Step on those suckers. That’s what they’re for. The process is simple. Make two lists.
- Things you used to love doing, but haven’t done for a long time. (Go all the way back to grade school.)
- Things you’ve always wanted to do (but haven’t done) and anything else that peaks your interest.
Now take your lists, and start trying interests on. See how they fit for size. Try one new thing a week. This doesn’t need to take a ton of time or cost a lot of money. Read a book or check out a magazine on the topic. Do some web-research. Take a new class, or talk to someone who knows about the subject you think you might be interested in.
If you LOVE the thing you’ve tried, it’s an interest. Keep exploring. If you don’t, let it go. (No cultivating interests you’re not into!)
Your interests will show you the way back to your lost self. Seek them. Speaking of self…
Step 3 – Establish an anchor ritual.
Life can be stormy. If you don’t anchor to something, you’ll get tossed around. (And when you’re being tossed around, it’s pretty easy to get lost, right?)
I want you to learn how to drop anchor.
There is an essence within you. Call it your authentic self. She is wise, loving, and fierce. She has the answer to any question you could ask. When you’re connected with her, you become your best self.
Wanna know what’s even cooler than that?
There is also a Force beyond you. When you connect your authentic self with this Higher Power, there is no part of you that will ever feel lost again. Because when you’re authentic self is aligned with your Creator, you begin to live out the purpose you were born for. And that is a FOUND way of doing life.
It sounds huge, doesn’t it? Happily, it all starts with something tiny. To make this connection, all you have to do is show up and say hello. There’s a catch (of course). You have to do it every day.
I want you to develop an anchor ritual. (Which is just a quick routine you’ll use to connect with yourself and that power beyond you.)
My ritual takes less than 5 minutes. First thing every morning, I light some incense, sit on my couch with my coffee, and play a theme song that represents what I’m going for. I focus on my breath and let the music wash over me as I remind myself about who I’m committed to be as a woman, and what I’m committed to do in my life. Then I end with a prayer, and make an offering of sorts, by saying, “Here I am Lord. Give me grace. Give me guidance. Use me. Your will be done.”
Make your ritual your own. Then use it. You’ll be blown away by what you’re able to accomplish in your life when you begin practicing this simple step.
I may not know you personally, but I know this for sure. You are power, and there is a purpose on your life that only you can fulfill. If you don’t fulfill it, the world will miss out. (And we don’t want that to happen, do we?)
Do your homework. You matter.
That’s it for the week. Please remember that I never want you to blindly take my word for anything. Only you know what’s right for you. (I just happen to have a few coaching tools that can help you get closer to that wisdom.) Give this week’s advice a test-drive. Once you do, let me know how it goes. I love hearing from you! There are three ways for us to interact.
- Comment in the comments section below.
- Chat with me on Instagram or Facebook.
- Email me if you have something more private you’d like to ask. My personal email is firstname.lastname@example.org. I’m the only one reading your messages, and it’s always me answering them.
I’m here for your empowerment. If you haven’t already joined my community, please do it at my website (www.kimberlyfulcher.com). I’ll send you a free coaching video and blog every Wednesday, and we’ll get your groove back together.
Until we meet again, know that life is happening for you.
And you got this!