What do you believe you deserve? That’s a pretty loaded question, isn’t it? In more than 15 years working as a women’s life coach, I’ve asked it thousands of times, and I’ve received countless answers. The majority of the responses have been disheartening, and they’ve revealed a startling truth. Women (even very successful, accomplished women) doubt their deservingness.
Deservingness is not to be confused with entitlement. Entitlement is about believing you have a right to something. Deservingness is about how much you believe you’re worth.
When you doubt your deservingness, what you’re really uncertain about is whether or not you measure up. Are you good enough? (YES.) You’ve made some pretty big mistakes. Do those bad blunders make you a bad person? (NO.) Are you a good enough person to deserve good things? (YES. YOU ARE.)
Many women carry around a secret shame that impacts their feelings of self-worth and deservingness. Our stories are individual, but our core experiences are very much the same. At some point in your life, someone told you there was something wrong with you. (This is inevitable, of course, because there’s something wrong with all of us.)
It gets to dangerous and disempowering territory through repetition. If even one person in your life tells you over and over again that there’s something wrong with you, well, you can start to believe them. Being rejected or criticized hurts, and it has a cumulative effect.
Imagine every criticism you’ve ever received is a tiny little pin that landed right in your heart. (Seriously bad visual, right? Wouldn’t your heart look like a pincushion if that was the case?) Beyond hurting like hell, a heart full of pins holds you back and makes you play small. YOU ARE NOT SMALL. I want you to stop acting like you are.
In life, you always create the results you believe you deserve. If you don’t believe you deserve good things, you won’t let yourself have them.
You’ll sabotage, procrastinate, and excuse the good right out of your life if you don’t believe you deserve it. Happily, you can raise your sense of deservingness, and deepen your feelings of personal worth. I’m going to show you how today. (Keep reading, or press PLAY on this not-to-be-missed episode of GrooveTV.) It’s time to start believing in you again.
Step 1 – Take good care of yourself.
On the face of it, you’d think this advice would be obvious and unimpeachable. Of course you have to take care of yourself. The problem with this truth, unfortunately, is that there are people (even whole communities of people) who will try to convince you that prioritizing your needs means you’re a selfish person. (And who wants to be seen as selfish?)
I’ve never encountered a woman who hadn’t heard some version of this self-care-is-selfish-nonsense. The thing is, these messages are about control, and they come from people who are happy to keep you down and disempowered. (That makes it easier for them to manipulate you.) Do not fall for this line of hooey.
Self-care is not selfish. Self-neglect is selfish.
Self-neglect tells you that you don’t matter. It asks you to stuff your wants and repress your emotions. When you chronically neglect yourself, eventually you turn into a repressed, angry, self-doubting zombie (or banshee depending on your anger level). Nothing about self-neglect is attractive. I want you to stop doing it. Today.
We need you in top form. There is purpose on your life. To make good on it, you need to connect with your SELF. The most fundamental way to begin that process is to take care of your physical body. When I’m working with a client we practice four physical care basics. (I practice these guys too. Religiously.)
- SLEEP CARE: You need adequate sleep. Every night.
- DRINK CARE: You need proper daily hydration. Water is energy.
- NUTRITION CARE: You need to eat food that nourishes. Not just food that fills your stomach. (I’m not talking about dieting here. I’m talking about eating to nourish your body.)
- STRESS CARE: You need some way to relieve stress. (Think working out, meditation, journaling, gardening, prayer, sitting in nature, cooking, or hot scented bathing.)
Notice I said “you need”. These are non-negotiable requirements. If you’re tempted to argue against your ability to practice them, please pause. I’ve heard every excuse known to woman. And I don’t buy a single one of them. We’re in a no excuses zone now. You don’t get to argue against yourself, and also be empowered. It doesn’t work that way. You have to choose.
If you haven’t taken care of yourself in a long time, this topic can feel totally overwhelming. I understand, and I want you to do it anyway. (Remember, I’m your coach. A loving boot-in-the-butt will sometimes be required in our relationship. Consider this my velvet tipped toe, making contact with that booty of yours.)
Take a deep breath, and start tackling your care basics. (You DO have time, and you are NOT selfish.) There’s no wrong way to do this except not to do it at all. Practice makes powerful. So practice.
Okay, time to up the ante a little bit. This next step is harder.
Step 2 – Be someone you can count on.
You can’t think your way into believing in your own worth, but you CAN act your way there. As it turns out, keeping the commitments you make to yourself increases your feelings of worth and deservingness. (It increases your confidence too.)
Think about it. You make countless commitments every day. The trouble (of course), is that most of them are for other people. When you don’t have a strong sense of your own worth, you agree to most incoming requests. Which means you’re probably way overcommitted.
When your calendar is crowded and something’s got to give, you’re the one who usually goes. Because it’s easiest to break commitments to you, right?
Every time you break a commitment to yourself, what you’re really doing is showing yourself (through your own inaction) that you don’t matter. (Seriously. Bailing on yourself is like giving your hopes and dreams a big middle finger.)
It’s time to start following through for you. Don’t panic. I’m not suggesting you stop doing things for other people. As a woman, you’re a natural born nurturer. Of course you’re going to do for other people. I just want you to add yourself to the list of people-you’re-gonna-do-for.
The best way to get a handle on showing up for yourself is to start paying attention to what’s going on when you don’t. What causes you to cross yourself off your own list? When you bring your triggers into your awareness, you’ll notice a pattern. (Which will give you the power to make changes.)
Take things one choice at a time. Whenever possible, choose to follow through for you. Every time you do, you remove one of those tiny little heart pins, and strengthen your sense of worth and deservingness.
Now for the hardest part…
Step 3 – Stand up for yourself.
When you don’t believe in your own deservingness, you become an earner. Meaning, you spend your time and energy earning love. This can show up in a lot of different ways. We’ll talk about three of them here.
- You could be a PLEASER. You say yes when you mean no. You do a ton of favors. (You’re secretly annoyed the entire time you’re doing them, but you keep doing them anyway.)
- You might be a PERFORMER. You’re the life of the party, and an overachiever. You use material items and accolades like money, degrees, titles, and awards to prove your worth. (I used to be this girl.)
- It’s possible you’re a DOORMAT. This pattern is most damaging, because it means you’re allowing other people to treat you poorly. On the extreme end of the spectrum, this could look like allowing people to demean, degrade, or disrespect you. Even on the lesser end of things, it means you allow people to get away with passive-aggressive comments, or take advantage of you. On any end of the spectrum, doormat behavior is toxic.
It gets worse. When you live as an earner, you attract users. (That’s just as bad as it sounds.) There are unfortunately people in the world that will live at your expense without giving it a second thought. If you’re willing to give it, they’ll take it. (They’ll even talk themselves into believing they deserve what they’re taking.) These kind of people like to keep you small, scared, and doubting your deservingness. (Then you do whatever they want. Whenever they want you to.)
You must stand up for yourself.
Start by catching yourself in the act of playing the earner. What and who triggers the earner response in you? What are you afraid of? What are you trying to prove? If you feel drained or bad about yourself after you’re with a specific person or in a certain place, you need to think twice about being with that person or at that place.
I know this is easier said than done. It’s possible the people who make you feel bad are co-workers or family members. It’s not like you can just stop seeing them, right? If you find yourself in this position, there is only one path. You need to learn to speak up for yourself. Stat.
For help, you can check out three of my other blogs. They’ll show you how to stop living like a pleaser, set some boundaries, and say no like you mean it. Will you be uncomfortable? Yep. You will. Can you handle it? Yes. You can. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Speak up. Stand up. Stop accepting less than you deserve.
Every time you speak up for yourself (even in the simplest of circumstances) you remove another pin from your heart, you raise your sense of deservingness, and you deepen your own sense of worth. You also show other women what it looks like to know your worth, and live like you know it. Which encourages them to do it too. (THAT is girl power.)
You are good, and you deserve good things. You deserve acceptance, belonging and love. There’s no mistake in you, my sister. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. Just as you are.
That’s it for the week. Remember that I never want you to blindly take my word for anything. Only you know what’s right for you. I just happen to have a few coaching tools that can help you get closer to that wisdom. Give this lesson’s advice a test drive in your life, and let me know how it goes. There are three ways for us to interact.
- Comment in the comments section below.
- Chat with me on on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.
- Email me if you have something more private you’d like to ask. My personal email is firstname.lastname@example.org. I’m the only one reading your messages, and it’s always me answering them.
My mission is your empowerment. That’s why I’m here. If you haven’t already joined my community, please do it by entering your email (www.kimberlyfulcher.com). Until we meet again, know that life is happening for you.
And you got this!
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Hi There! Standing up for yourself is simple to understand, but not so easy to do, right? Try this video for a few extra tools. It will teach you how to set a boundary. You’ve got this, My Sister!
I just re-watched this from some time ago, and shared it to my Find Your Fabulous (holistic wellness) FB page as it’s so crystal clear, and valuable for so, so many of us!! I love your energy, insights and warm nudges in the right direction : )
You are the sweetest. Thank you for spreading the empowerment, My Sister. I LOVE what you’re up to. You have DEFINITELY found your fabulous. 🙂
You’re rocking it!
I just Discovered You Kim,& Heard the Video here….Ive never heard it said
the way You did on ,
Looking Forward to Taking my Life Back??, after 2 Toxic Marraiges-
im not even working now? & need leave ???this …,as I said ?? Definately Very TOXIC Relationship…ONLY- THIS TIME ,***REALLY REALLY
…..Thank You again, …
⚘BLESSINGS & LOVE…
CHERYL M. WINTER
?( FELLOW WORTHY- WOMAN
& SISTER ♡♡ )???
Cheryl! It’s so great to meet you. I’m glad you’re here! If you haven’t already entered your email please make sure to do it. You’ll get a little gift in your email after you do, and we’ll be connected. 🙂
As one recovering performer to another … you have got this, Sister. And you are okay – just as you are.
Get clear about what you want before you make any moves. You can do anything once you decide to, and remember when you need a little bit of encouragement or advice, I’m right here.
You’ve Got This, Woman!
I’m an earner! Do
You have more resources about this?
Denise! I used to do this too. The most effective way to stop pleasing … is to stop pleasing and learn that you can live through the consequences. It’s a hard thing to do, but your life force will thank you for doing it.
How to heal the disease to please.
How to set a boundary.
How to make your guilt work for you.
You’ve Got This, Sister!
Super article ! THANK YOU so much for writing it ! Loved this part : Every time you speak up for yourself (even in the simplest of circumstances) you remove another pin from your heart, you raise your sense of deservingness, and you deepen your own sense of worth. You also show other women what it looks like to know your worth, and live like you know it. Which encourages them to do it too. (THAT is girl power.)
Una! I”m thrilled to meet you, and I”m so glad that this lesson resonated with you. You CAN know your worth and show other women what it feels like to live knowing it. Let’s do it together, okay? If you haven’t already, enter your email and let’s get to work. Welcome, Girl! You’ve got this. XO Kim
Do do you speak of your worth or your worth speak for himself
I’m not sure I understand your question. 🙂 I think most people behave in line with what they think they’re worth. What do you think?
Interestingly enough I just got home from a couple of days get away with ladies I’ve known since HS. As I spoke of my current steps, achievements & goals including mentioning my life coach, they became insulting toward me, you & life coaching in general. This video explains it all. I got told not to speak at one point & when said I have the right to it became hostile & ended the visit. I had been a pleaser & doormat my entire life, they don’t like losing their favorite victim. I am pleased as punch with myself that they don’t like me anymore. I see myself& the world differently and this week proves to me I’m on the right track. The real question is ” Do I like them?” The answer “not anymore.”
Valerie! First – I’m SO SORRY. That’s brutal and yet unfortunately not unusual. Second – BRAVO girl. You GROW. You deserve to be around people who want good for you. You can do better, and I LOVE that you already know that. I’m very grateful to be your coach, and I’m super proud of you for standing up for yourself. Your coaching homework (if you choose to accept it) is to write down a description of what your ideal girlfriend group would look like. What would you talk about? What would you ike to do together? What kind of interests would you share? How often would you see each other? Then start watching for those ladies to cross your path. (I bet you already know a few of the or have even seen them commenting on FB or Instagram.) Sending you such big empowering hugs! You got this girl! KIM
Oh my GOD, I am a doormat.I don’t want to be a doormat one more minute.I know I deserve better, am worthy of better. I’m kinda on a doormat rollercoaster. I get strong and get off the ride one day and then the next day I’m right back on it. I obviously need help staying off the ride .
Hi Rebecca! I’m glad you’re here. You’re not alone. Many women live as pleasers. (Most of us are raised to be “good girls”, right? Give step number three (Stand up for yourself) a test drive. You can start with a baby step. Notice when you start playing the pleaser. Who is around? What are you trying to prove? What do you need? What would you LIKE to say to the person about X? Just imagine it in your inside voice. This lets you become aware of your pattern, and it’s not so scary. You’re not actually saying anything – just thinking about what you’d like to say. Which actually helps you figure out what you want in a kinda round-about way. Make sense? Try it for a week, and let me know how it goes! You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you are WORTHY my sister. You got this! XO Kim
Depending on the relationship, I am all of these. I am the pleaser…especially with my colleagues, church family, the broken, hurting, and lonely people. My passion and life’s mission is to help. Depriving myself is normal and expected. The performer….I have earned every possible accolade I can because I must do everything perfectly or I’m not good enough. I can’t let people down. Being “not good enough ” or not doing things right have meant dire consequences for me, this nearly killed me, physical, spiritually, and emotionally. So, I can’t not be a performer. The risk is too great! And the doormat….in many instances, I am okay to be around when someone is in need. When the need is fulfilled, my usefulness is gone and I’m thrown out like the garbage I am. The most frustrating thing is, I help women overcome these and many other very tough obstacles everyday, yet….I fight alone! And I’m growing weak and weary.
Hi Lori! Thank you for your thoughtful feedback. Sometimes when we know what to do, but don’t do what we know, it’s about something called secondary gain. (I’m sure you’re familiar as a counselor.) Essentially, any problem you can’t/don’t change is probably working for you on some level. I.E. The girl who is always sick, has to deal with being sick (and says she wants to change) but she likes the attention she gets when she’s sick. She’s seeking attention. The only way she’ll ever change is to find a more satisfying way to get attention. I wonder if secondary gain may be at play in your situation? You do so much good in the world. If you’re giving advice that you aren’t following, what about that is working for you? And just Imagine what would be possible if you were firing on all self-care cylinders? You got this! 🙂